Ding Dong merrily, Hertford Termites end on a high

Magnum Opus reporter (back this week): Luke Roe, the fastest and filthiest match reporter in the Club (there is some good inspiration for the 1st XV match reporter Mr Hale).
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Hello and welcome to another fictional write up from everyone’s favourite attractive, well endowed, and intelligant 4th team.

Once more your heroes rolled up to Hoe Lane after a scrap from Olly and Dave to field two social teams with some last minute trading and stealing of players going on to bolster our front row. Dan Buswell was promoted to the 4s at the final hour increasing the number of fully fit front row players we had to one. Kudos to the big boys who fronted up with limbs hanging off and ligaments resembling corned beef.

It was a good crowd out to see the boys this week, I am unable to give the attendance as I ran out of fingers and toes. Maybe they had decided to pop across from the first team game against 'Slimfast Allstars' (TM(c)) or maybe they’d just wanted to feel better about their own physical condition pre Christmas. Who knows but it was much appreciated.

It was an inauspicious start for the Termites who after an early barrage of forward carries for little gain, were turned over and Royston scored a well executed backs try. We then kicked off and they bloody well scored another. It looked to be a difficult afternoon for the lads.

Then your boys turned it on. Perhaps it was the sight of Royston’s mascot (yes mascot) but the boys began making inroads with big George Bell carrying through the heavy traffic like a man possessed. Marshalling from Victor in the fly half jersey again allowed for your boys to get up the field and young Colt Oscar to show the Royston backs a clean pair of heels and round the full back for a score in the corner.

The next try was from the Termites great and glorious leader where after concerted pressure on the Royston line with some more big forward carries and truffle pig esque burrowing around the fringes from the teenager Chris Byrne, our captain Gawthorne burrowed over after a quick tap and go.

The next try deserves some embellishment and after he was so humble in the group chat afterwards I’m almost tempted to succumb to hyperbole. Gerhard Van Der Ryst with a sumptuous bit of offloading 35 metres out to Jack Humphries and with the aggression and spite he usually saves for bullying new members of the club via WhatsApp he left a trail of wounded Roystonians in his wake. He can’t have scored too many from that distance before, as such he immediately called for Heltsey to replace him so he could tell anyone on the touch line all about it. (After he’d caught his breath).

Another score from your boys after some excellent work from HRUFCs premier Jordan brother tidying up after one of the many Royston cross field kicks again freed up Oscar to further torment his opposite man and go under the posts for his second (we didn’t see a pitcher for hat trick avoidance and that is the only blemish on the young man’s Saturday afternoon). Victor was especially pleased with this as it allowed him to get his kicking boots on and clock up his only conversion of the game before he was cruelly injured after grubber kicking through. Some say he’s been milking it ever since, we wait for the pictures.

This meant your boys had to reshuffle a little in the back line with Gawthorne coming in at 10 and Arthur McLean slotting in at 12. With that level of distribution inside them the outside backs could expect to see plenty of the ball for the remaining 55 minutes.

Further excellent work by the boys with, another sterling performance doing the ugly stuff by Scully in the second row preventing their jackal threats from getting any joy. Allowing the field position to let the excellent Tom Baker go over for a scintillating score from 25cms out. He did not call for immediate substitution after his score.

The second half brought renewed fight from Royston with Humphries being held up after another barnstorming run (I didn’t think he had it in him - but he did used to play flanker don’t you know) and further inroads made by halftime substitute Gazzard but to no avail.

Royston then worked their way into Hertford territory to reduce the deficit to 8 points with some lovely play and big carries.

There was a point in this half where after what felt like four hundred years of pick and gos and forward carries, your author was a little annoyed that the backs were just watching but Gawthorne had apparently been asking Ellis for the ball for the last ten minutes only for the Crash Ball Scrumhalf TM to do what he does best and bullock his way over his slender counterpart whose afternoon he had ruined to score another wonder try.

At this point Royston really turned it on with manful defensive shifts put in by all the Hertford heroes. Greg fielding high balls and carrying back with interest into someone who must have been 75kgs heavier than him and excellent carrying from Termites favourite Buswell finding himself with open space to run into on the wing and deciding he preferred running straight at people.

We also welcomed back Ewan Thomas from injury always a pleasure to have front row forwards with one working shoulder Ewan. Welcome home.

Royston got one but your boys did enough to win by 8 in the end. Fair play to them as I reckon there will have be some sore bodies on both sides on Sunday. I believe it was Aristotle who said “there weren’t too many soft shouldered c***s out there today”.

In other news 1s beat the 'Slimfast Army' (TM(c)) (match report to come, we are promised), and 3s beat previously unbeaten Old Grammarians in spite of Dave Albon doing his best to level things up with his forearm.

Score - 32 - 24
Attn - more than my fingers and toes
MOTM - Tommy Baker - big game, soft hands and hard shoulders

Team: Humphries, Buswell, Van Der Ryst, Bell, Scully, Roe, Baker, Byrne; Roberts, Oscar, Victor, Gawthorne, Jordan, O’Flaherty, Donovan
Energy drinkers: Thomas, Heltsey, Gazzard, McClean

Tries: Oscar 2, Humphries, Gawthorne, Roberts, Baker

Match reporter: Luke Roe, catch him whilst you can as he is off to do another TV Reality Show, something about "Living in the North".