Bishop’s Stortford 19 - 50 Hertford Termites

Your favourite team of mediocre athletes and Hertford Rugby Club's most Northern match reporter (Luke Roe) trundled out for another historic win over local rivals Bishop’s Stortford.

The Essexish real estate tycoons were out early warming up (they did not go back in) and it’s no exaggeration to say they looked like a swarm of blue and white locusts, such was their numerical advantage over your sweet angelic termites boys, however there were a few of the Stortford boys who looked like they’d decimated more than a few fields of produce in their time.

Perhaps unnerved by the prospect of facing the hordes of Stortford players, our warm up lacked its usual zip and potency with mediocre quality running lines and lacklustre ball handling all round. There were those amongst our number who were so afraid that they didn’t even bother showing up. Poor sweet Ernie fancied a trip to Van Hage instead. Further confusion and dread was spread amongst the troops when the referee appeared to be pleased to see Termites hooker Jonny Hollis, which was enough to make anyone leave brown stripes in their boxers.

But if there’s one team that can turn up looking like a shower of excrement and click into gear when the whistle blows, it’s your sweet handsome boys.

Stortford started with the ball and as some big lumps started getting hammered backwards they decided they didn’t quite fancy it. Within the first 5 minutes Stortford had lost 4 players to the physio table - I suspect there must be some happy endings at the end of those rub downs. One such early casualty for Hertfordshire’s premier social rugby team was returning hero Mark Bell who was so concerned to be released with fresh air infront of him by another returning hero Jimmy Tattersall that his ankle turned into soup and he had to be promoted to waterboy (some three scrums they were though Marky).

After solid defence, the howitzer right boot of Dave Albon and the disgusting pace of Jacob O’Leary (who covered an obscene amount of turf over the course of the afternoon - albeit rarely in a straight line) your boys were camped in Stortford territory. After stellar lineout work Termites favourite stroke victim Gerhard Van Der Ryst bundled over with the first try of the day.

Filthy scrummaging from the big boys up front worked further excellent field position for ya boys with Stortford at sixes and sevens. So much so that when their tight head prop thought he’d secured a turnover at a ruck on halfway only to concede a penalty he lost his mind booted the ball away and called the ref a “stupid fuck” all to escape from Big Jason Heltsey and his nylon basketball shorts!

We scored a couple more tries courtesy of (maybe) the ever imperious Dan Roe and someone else (sorry, the RFU are about 10 years late trying to save my brain) before we started to get a little bit silly and niggly, but because we felt sorry for the oppo we decided to take it out on ourselves.

Greg Donovan started it off by scything down their contact horny full back, the only problem with the tackle was that he used his face to stop him. And that was the end of everyone’s second favourite stroke victim’s afternoon replaced by stand in winger Arthur McLean. Svelte back rower Alex Douglas channelled his own Stortford tight head moment when he took a quick tap and then another quick tap before throwing his toys out when the ref said he wasn’t allowed to take two quick taps in succession, to which Dougie got his law book out - somewhat petulantly. (I had a look for you fella “Sanction: Second penalty or free-kick, 10 metres in front of the original mark. The second penalty or free-kick must not be taken before the referee has made the mark.” I reckon you were wrong but KC Church would need to dumb down the law book to a year 6 reading level for me to be sure).

On top of these unfortunate incidents your boys - famous for their liquid rugby - were dropping a few trademark highlight reel offloads. Hard to believe but it happened. Captain Gawthorne and Fly half marshall Albon taking particular exception to flair from the big boys: “you’re here to push and do my tackling give me the ball and let me kick it”; they were vindicated to a degree when we coughed up the ball after an offload and Stortford scored from their own 22 to restore some respectability right on half time.

Now post half time and after a further bollocking from our senior leadership team your boys curtailed their natural joue joue style with offloads considered but not thrown by almost all of the forward pack, however it seemed to be okay for Dave to continue throwing offloads when surrounded by big angry opposition players. Captain Gawthorne had expended so much energy during the halftime bollocking that he decided he needed a rest for ten minutes. We scored a good try in the corner - Ryan Heywood with a silky finish to the move (few less SBW offloads than this author would have enjoyed) before Tom Baker got another from a lineout drive steered delicately through the Stortford big boys.

We conceded a couple in the next ten minutes or so but highlights for the half included Hollis using his diplomatic immunity with the ref to give their scrum half some stick for “being the shittest player I’ve ever seen” which did give the Gog from Peep Show doppleganger cause to shut the fuck up for about 30 seconds. (Niche reference but it was uncanny).

Further scores included an Albon kick pass (shock) fielded delightfully by McLean down to Hertfordshire Henry “Marcus” Slade for a highlight reel moment. Albon injured himself trying to chase his own kick and do some defending, but if anyone’s game can cope with being dropped down to hobbling pace and sitting in the pocket it’s Big Daddy Dave. Ryan Heywood put Jacob through for another well worked try by showcasing the big boys can dance and accelerate much to Stortford bemusement.

Much of this game is quite patchy for me but rest assured to go and do a job on Bishop’s Stortford is no mean feat. Especially at their place and when they had a squad of 23 players clearly fancying a shot at unbeaten league leaders. Some effort from the boys all round man for man excellent and that score line was hard fought with everyone putting their hands up and putting a shift in.

Well dones all round but I’m going to give credit where it’s due the single most impressive performance today was by the lady knocking out BSRUFC’s post match meal. Some graft had gone into making that beef pie, even a little watercress garnish. Chapeau.

MOTM Al Douglas -hissy fit aside - absolutely battering Stortford attackers with some brutal bone crunching shots all game.

Bell
Hollis
Big G
Roe
Scully
Roe
Douglas
Baker
Roberts
Albon
O’Leary
Gawthorne
Marcus
Tattersall
Donovan
Heltsey
McClean
Heywood

Reporting: Luke Roe, all his own words, especially the f bombs