Empire building performance

Your "handsome and intelligent Termites boys" (self verified) were out again this week with a conquering trip to Datchworth. 16 of the finest Hertford lads spent all of Friday night praying to the Global Warming Gods and lo and behold the Datchworth Scout hut had provided adequate shelter to the adjacent ploughed field, and with a couple of posts it was game on.

It was certainly not running rugby weather with Termites ultras Sam and Tracey putting in an early bid for MOTM by even bothering in hideous conditions for travelling support.

When the reanimated corpse of Sean Connery with a whistle finally graced us with his presence, the boys could crack on with a game foreshortened at kick off to allow us to mug off Datchworth 1s and get in the showers whilst they were still hot. Elite sport at its peak.

When the game kicked off, Termites fly half Victor sensed there was an opportunity to put the oppo tight five under early pressure so failed to make it ten metres with his restart as a feint to allow the big boys a chance to get to work (and warm up). It was a tough old day for the Datch tight five with a powerful prop pairing of Big G and Big Jase lining up either side of Young Dan Buswell. The sight of these formidable colonial migrants warms the heart when you’re packing down in the second row, migration even Ellis Roberts can get behind (either of these big buggers would sink anyone of Rishi’s small boats).

It was proved to be the case that the powerful Hertford pack put pressure on Datch early on with great running lines from Humphries and Captain Gawthorne rewarded by early scores for the well endowed Termites team.

Datchworth responded well by turning every breakdown into a writhing mass of bodies and flailing arms. One of which clocked Hertford scrum half Ellis Roberts in the chops leading to a mild scuffle. Only spurring the boys onto greater success the sight of our bloodied Petit General rousing the spirits.

Datchworth had a spell of attacking pressure ably repelled by strong Hertford defence Tom Baker and Connor Scully, fresh from his office Xmas do, putting in a big shift over the ball and winning Hertford the ball back.

Tap and go from the backs and dick fingers from inside centre Gawthorne meant we were back at scrum time and Datch were ably dispatched by the big boys again with young Chris Byrne driving the big rigs from the base. Solid marshalling of territory from Victor in the ten shirt led your boys up field and scoring two more tries from flowing play through the back line. I think young Ernie on the wing bagged one of them and the other guy who got one was a devilishly handsome Northerner (or a poor man’s Ian Collins before the gout set in - you decide).

I will say lovely hands and strong running from Marcus in the thirteen shirt contributed to large gains for the Termites XV but the ring rust showed on a few occasions where the ball got fizzed into the stands from Hertford’s Henry Slade to raucous shouts of “He’s got flaccid dicks for fingers” from Tracey and Sam on the sidelines. (#bekind girls).

Datchworth scored their only points of the game from a rolling maul breakaway by their not so Petit General scrum half who went into the corner. Hard lines to Ryan Heywood standing in on the left wing for almost dislocating a shoulder trying to stop the cave troll on the line.

Rousing team talks complete it was time for your intelligent and smouldering boy to get the job done.

The second half was a veritable beat down with Datch struggling to get out of their half and Hertfords score line inflated faster than Bill Sweeney’s RFU paycheque. 'Joue joue' rugby was afoot a couple of would be screamers were butchered by the author, your Petit General Roberts and the aforementioned Hertfordshire Henry Slade. But it was of little consequence as your boys rocked up and impressive score line, I don’t actually remember the final score (which should give you some indication as to accuracy of this piece) - as a French Emperor may have said: history is a set of lies, agreed upon.

Heywood scored a second half brace with a deceptive outside break. Tom Baker scored a handsome running rugby try from 2 metres out. Victor found his kicking boots and put in an Albon-esque kicking masterclass (with increased tackling prowess - sorry Dave).

Other notable second half moments include Ellis pulling off a reverse Louis Jordan and actually getting beaten up by a child after an imperious carry.
It’s important to mention Donavon who caught the only high ball that was dropped onto his head all game (after a little juggle) which is some feat when you’re outside in the cold with that level of body fat for 80 minutes. Termites stalwart Pauly Neilson did the noble thing when Datch went down to 14 and stepped up for them before swapping with Captain Gawthorne. El Capitan soon regretted this decision when faced by Heltsey crashing over him like a Pacific Tsunami.

If I missed out a score or got your highlight wrong make like the RFU and blame it on my repeated knocks to the head. Or just be more impressive next time.

Kudos to the boys who scrapped to get all the teams out this weekend. Unbeaten week for the club. Apparently the threes won as well but no one has told anyone about who scored the winning try.

Attendance: far too chuffing many
Score: Lots - 5
Motm - Buswell - busy, hard and decent arrows (shame about the daft c**t catching them)

Heltsey
Buswell
Van der Ryst
Roe
Scully
Humphries
Baker
Byrne
Roberts
Alway
Ernie
Gawthorne
Marcus
Heywood
Donovan
Nielsen

Match Reporter: L'Roe Ladurie