Hatfield 17 v Hertford Termites 70

When I say scorcher, I mean scorcher, it was scorching. By the end we looked like we had been cutting hedges all day. Skipper Gawthrorn gathered the masses, the ones who didn’t have excuses. There were a few who had after the longest break ever – some reasonable such as work, others due to the pandemic induced ‘handing over of the trouser wearing’ to partners. Note ‘partners’ as this is a non- gender specific edition, albeit women will remain women in the report as I’m not keen on the naming conventions of some local authorities.

The gang gathered in the changing room as the hosts pounded the bags in the sun, and huddled, all staring at the floor hoping the leader wouldn’t throw a shirt at us, the bench looking like a suitable place to keep warm, and, in true Termites fashion 5 of us out numbered the collective age of the remaining warriors. Indeed, my changing room neighbour on the right, the stealth bomber that is Tremaine, was born 3 years after my 1st game with my neighbour on the left, Colin.

Having been apart for so long the love in the room bounced – not. The bants were more a case of pointing out how fat, thin, bald, ugly, absent or smelly we had become.

The warm up was scorching and totally uncoordinated. The excellent ref briefed us on the new socially distanced playing rules. 1 to 8 turned away and said no change there then (thinking ‘just carry on as normal and wait for the whistle’), the backs turned the other way and said no change there then (thinking ‘I don’t touch anyone anyway’).

And what a hum dinger of a match, played over 4 quarters, 2 of which formed a half, without a break and stayed in the same direction, with a 10 minute break at half time, the proper one, before we changed ends for 2 more half quarters. The break gave Nick time to bore the ref with some training ground blarb and showing pics of his world championship mural at St Evanage shopping mall.

Onto the match, and some of this may resemble what actually happened. Take no note of the score as this doesn’t reflect the battle. Those missing due to work would have loved it, the others with non excuses should have loved it. 5 tries went in from the bounding new recruit, Alex the greek god, who seems to have life managed an untangling from the gym mirror to play rugby, so knocking off his 25 points might reflect a sensible score to the level of battle.

Notable events included a 20 or so man viewing and exchange of handbags which pored off the park and almost flattened an expectant mom sitting in the shade. Slow Mitch did a fantastic horizontal perfect tackle on a Hatfield centre, although he didn’t have and was never going to have the ball, and he also passed the ball to the ref, in the illuminous green top, twice.

The future is bright in the young stellar talent of Tremaine (1 try), fast Mitch (3 tries) – who unnervingly smiles as smashes into the oppo, nice bloke Adam who takes his partner to watch (1 try) who had a blinder, in front of his partner and Louis (2 tries) one of which was a screamer, I seem to recall. Ellis had his standard 9/10 game glueing us together and nicking a bullocking runaway try. The the line was pounded by Big G and Jack and the ‘newly svelte but still round’ Chris. New boy Matt from dirty Kent variant Canterbury makes a grand addition to the sock income for the club on his debut.

The match saw some ace rugby played in the right spirit and it’s been gone too long. MoM goes to the skipper for keeping us together as the bug stole a year from our sporting lives and Hatfield defended like Trojans, note to their young lad who finished at fullback who was excellent. Grass roots rugby looks good in both towns. Better looking in Hertford obviously.

Anyway, after the lawful tackles, rucks, not mauls, line outs, big hits, handbags, huddles and totally ignored skipper bollockings we separated to our tables of 6 outside the club house, all 2 meters apart, to have cold beers, before jumping on each other in the showers.

Skipper Garthorne said afterwards to the press “loved it, great to be back, some well drilled moves and Chippy and Mayes had blinders, at their level obviously, let’s be honest they were crap when they were good’

Roll on the next match

Jordan, Gaorthorn, Risley, McGreal, Donovan, Quick Mitch, Slow Mitch, Bassett, Humpty, Byrne, Roberts, Crook, Chippy, Fry, Flaherty, Adams, Alex , Big G

Att; 48